CSI Miami: Really?

It's 1:00 AM, which can only mean one thing: I have just finished watching CSI Miami. Now, the CSI franchise has been booming for what seems like a good 30 or 40 years but in fact is not even a decade. It all started many moons ago in the sleepy little town of Las Vegas, which is Spanish for "the vegas." Soon enough the show had gained a robust following of loyal viewers who were willing to murder each other if it meant getting to watch their favorite show about solving murders, and with that the CSI train was on the roll. It didn't take too long though for producers and viewers alike to figure out that Las Vegas was not a town conducive to good television, with its legalized prostitution, rampant debauchery, hedonistic worship of the rulette wheel, and countless other traits that would make Hugh Hefner blush. The real problem in filming a crime-solving show there was that anything that would be considered a crime by the rest of the world was, technically, completely legal by Las Vegas standards. Still, it was no secret that people like seeing the CSI equation played out each week and Producer Jerry Bruckheimer would have likely pawned off his own mother to the guys on the history channel sooner than throw away his newest cash cow. The solution: Move the show from the filthiest, most dysfunctional city to the shiniest, freshest, though still rather dysfunctional location of Miami Beach, Florida.

CSI Miami took everything that its predecessor lacked-- A racially diverse cast, even stater-of-the-art technologies, close up shots on women with nothing to hide-- and mixed it all together in stew of cultural tensions (apparently retirees Isaac and Sarah Lieberman were none too happy when Cuban Cartel boss, Vincente Hernandez moved in nextdoor. Go figure). Yes, CSI Miami is a slight improvement on CSI Las Vegas, but then again CSI Boise would have been a considerable step up also. So whats my beef with the show? This brings me to the thrust of current rantings, which is the complete and utter disregard for anything even remotely resembling realism. I know it is a fictional show, but presumably they were at least trying to infuse it with some sense of believability.

Lets take the Miami-Dade Police Department to start. The camera pans onto a building that appears to have better groundskeepers than the whitehouse, and once you go inside it only gets worse. Every friggin thing in there is made out of glass! Tables: glass. Walls: glass. Even the jail cells are hand-crafted from fine swarovsky Crystal. Now, I'm not saying I don't appreciate transparency, but let's be honest, is that really the best environment for the guy who just committed a triple homicide and knows he's going away for life? Forget that though, lets move on.

The next irksome point is the attire. Not ONE person in that show is poorly dressed! Now, I have never been to Miami, so it is entirely conceivable that it really is just a city full of people with exquisite fashion sense. Assuming that's not the case, there is no reason that every single criminal they arrest must be wearing designer slacks.

But what is most far-fetched about the whole situation, other than the notion that a conspiracy murder can be solved in about 60 minutes (we assume they keep working during the commercials. DNA doesn't analyze itself, you know.) is the brooding yet brilliant Lieutenant Horatio Cane. Horatio is perturbed by nothing. The space shuttle Atlantis could smash into a restaurant he is about to enter for lunch and all you would hear from him is is something along the lines of a an cool, "Well boys...I guess it's going to McDonalds today."

The worst breach of reality can always be counted on to arrive at the end of each show. As the criminal is lead in slow motion out of the interrogation room, Horatio inevitably swipes the sunglasses off his face, turns to the nearest fellow investigator, cocks his head, lowers his eyelids and delivers some concoction of the most velvety smooth, penetrating lines you might ever hear. "You see, Kelly... sometimes when you set the trap...the bait turns out being what you were trying to catch."